My baby doesn’t want me, and I’m the MOM!?
Here’s a discussion on what might be going on if your baby doesn’t seem to want to go to their primary caregiver, in this case a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). Is it a normal development process or something to address? And in such a case, how?
Parents in a similar situation have contributed their thoughts, too.
Mom’s Question:
My baby doesn’t want me. She is 9 months old and really wants nothing to do with me, and I am her mom!
She wants her dad and brother and sister but not me. I am a stay-at-home mom; you would think I would be all that she wants, but that is not the case.
What have I done wrong? I do everything for her all the time. It breaks my heart.
Ang
Tips When Independent 9-Month-Old Doesn’t Want Mom
Your little girl is at the age where the world is opening up, she is probably getting mobile, and it is wonderful that she has the confidence to go to other people. Many Moms are so relieved to be able to pass their baby onto someone else for a bit of a break, so make the most of it!
You are obviously a very dedicated Mother and are the primary caregiver for your baby. But remember, she has you all day, and it is so exciting when someone new comes home. Other people have different tones of voice and talk excitedly when they arrive home, and this clearly stimulates your baby.
Babies also love other children and are captivated by them. The advantage younger siblings have is the stimulation of older brothers and sisters. Don’t see this as a personal thing about you; you are not in competition for her attention.
As her parent, it is your job to encourage her to learn to relate to many different people. A baby is not here to fill our needs.
Your little girl has gotten such a lovely start with her Mom that she is keen to relate to others, which is a great thing. It is not good for her to only want attention from you; she needs to learn to relate to and learn from all sorts of people.
When you do have time alone with her, play games with her, like peek-a-boo, nursery rhymes, clapping games, etc. You can find tips on games to play with a 9-month-old here.
Moms are often busy with the day-to-day chores of parenting and don’t get so much of the fun times. So make sure you make the most of your time alone with her and do your chores when the others are home and can take over watching the baby.
Most of all, just enjoy her, and don’t be jealous of her interest in other people; it shows you have given her a great start in life.
All the best,
Paula
To help you feel less alone and deal with your feelings around this, you can check out this discussion with parents in a similar situation.
Hey parents, share your thoughts and experiences of similar situations below!
Paula Dennholt founded Easy Baby Life in 2006 and has been a passionate parenting and pregnancy writer since then. Her parenting approach and writing are based on studies in cognitive-behavioral models and therapy for children and her experience as a mother and stepmother. Life as a parent has convinced her of how crucial it is to put relationships before rules. She strongly believes in positive parenting and a science-based approach.
Paula cooperates with a team of pediatricians who assist in reviewing and writing articles.
My 4 month old daughter always let me feel that she doesnt like and love me. I feel so bad of myself that my daughter likes my sister more than me. I hated everytime she cries and my sister will took her away from me.. as if I can’t handle my daughter. They always take my daughter away from me.. even when she smiles… she is smiling more to them than me.. am i bad mom? Why I always feel bad insulted and jealous of them.. im her mom but why she is always like this.. she get used to them. They always take her. They always let me feel im not a worthy mom. That i can’t handle my baby where in fact they never even give me a chance to become a mom to my daughter.
Hi there, I am so sorry to hear how you feel. Who are “they” who take your daughter away from you, and is there any chance they are trying to help you because they believe that you are overwhelmed? Can you express to them that you need to be with your daughter and the best help they can give you is to help out with other things – cooking, cleaning, or whatever would make your life easier. At 4 months, a baby doesn’t have the ability to show someone intentionally that they don’t like or love them. She can’t “let” you feel that, but it is possible that she can sense your tension and react to it. When you are with your daughter, try to take a deep breath, relax and focus on cuddling, playing and enjoying her. Smile, make eye contact, and keep her skin-to-skin. Carrier her in a baby carrier, either face out so she can experience the world together with you, or face toward your chest when she needs to relax.
Having a baby is a huge change. You seem so sad – Is there any chance you are experiencing postpartum depression? This is quite common; if you suspect it, there is no shame; remember that! Talk to a doctor to get the help you need asap in such a case.
You are a worthy mother. Talk to your sister or other relatives and let them know how they can support you, and that it is NOT by taking the baby (unless you ask them to – that type of help can be a great relief from time to time, but it is YOUR decision.)
Don’t compare or be jealous of how much your baby smiles at you or someone else. It is a good sign if she feels secure enough to open up to other people. This is a natural development and something to be happy about. Focus on your own relationship with her, and be present in the moment with her. Enjoy her! Here are some ideas on activities and games to play with a 4-month-old .
Now take a deep breath. You can do this! :-)
I am very hurt by the fact that my 13 months old wants everyone except me…cries for everyone…jumps out of my arms and lap to go to someone else, and never wants to let go or be taken away from whomever she is with…could even be total strangers…this is hurtful and embarrassing…her grandmother gets a kick out of this because it makes her feel dominate…her father plays on this and tries to act like he isn’t but I feel he does
My 6 wk old son doesn’t like me (his mother). I am with him most of anyone. I do everything to try and make him happy. He just screams in my arms when he’s with me. As soon as I pass him to someone else, he is quiet immediately. If I feed him, he fusses and straightens.
His body stiffs, cries, kicks his legs, etc. I give him to my mom. He stops and eats quietly! ???!! I watch her to see if I am doing something wrong or differently.
And we aren’t. It feels like my own child doesn’t like me.
Also, I thought babies were to know their mother’s Voice… When I speak to him or coo at him, he never Looks in my direction; his eyes are always focused elsewhere.
Sometimes when I’m feeding him, he will look into my eyes but never because of my voice.
My daughter has a 13-month-old baby girl whom I have cared for once a week for a few hours. They have a wonderful loving relationship and she is a happy baby. Recently I had to take the baby for 6 days due to unavoidable circumstances, and when my daughter arrived at my house the baby clung to me and would have nothing to do with her mother. I had to bathe her and get her ready for bed, give her her bottle, and read her story, but she allowed her mother to settle her in her cot. The next day she was fine with her mother, but still twice during the day, she climbed onto my lap and pushed her mother away.They have now gone on holiday, and all is well, but why did the baby react like this? If her father goes away for a few days, she is just happy to see him when he comes back, and the same on the couple of occasions when she has stayed with me all day, and her mother returned after some hours.
I feel so bad…I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for 11 months now & my 11-month-old rejected her daddy and me for a stranger!!!! Is that normal?
I went away for work for 15 days, I left my son with his grandmother on return, and he accepted me for 30 mins and cried, reaching out for his grandmother. Since then, when I come home, he is happy to see me for a while, but then he cries for the maid or grandmother, not me. I used to sleep with him in bed now, he simply cries if I put him in my bed. I am desolate and hurt. Sometimes I feel like giving up on him and just ignoring him, although common sense always reigns. I am the adult and the mother. I am taking the high road with my son!! Humiliating!!
I’m ebf and my 8-week-old daughter doesn’t seem to want me when I carry her!!! She wriggles and cries. But when the caretaker carries her she goes to sleep!!! What’s wrong???
Thanks, Paula for such wonderful words. I was feeling the same way (in my case, baby smiles and laughs a lot more with his grandparents) and you totally put things in perspective. Thanks for making my day!
my 13 month old son never want me, he wants to go to everybody else , cries if I take him off someone else, ir really is upsetting me .